Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2 ESV
At the time of writing this entry my pastor had just preached one of the most powerful, heartfelt, and graceful messages I’ve ever heard him give. I thank him for his continuous courage, boldness, and willingness to speak the truth, and more often than not hard truths, to our congregation. This particular weekend he spoke on Genesis 49 where Jacob blesses his sons and while you may think of the concept of blessing and seeing this as a positive, whatever blessings were received did not come without laundry being aired. In this passage we hear about the gravity of sin, the weight of what has been done, and how it shaped the rest of their lives in certain circumstances.
That message truly hit me when I was sitting in the service. I realized how God wanted me to see how my recent sin was about to shape my life, but in His goodness did it completely in the most loving way. The long and short of it is after my second child was born this past February, I fell into a pattern of lust. While my struggle was not with pornography, it was from time to time allowing myself to wonder about women other than my wife; to not look away from women who are not my wife; to not be dedicated to being the Husband and Father that God has called me to be. By God’s mercy, He allowed for my son to open my Covenant Eyes application on my phone one day at a lunch in which my wife and I started the process of some long and hard conversations.
I want to say something: I am so thankful for the trials and season we endured, and, how we are now looking back on it. I am so thankful for my wife; we sit here months after the fact more in love than we have ever been. More trusting than we have ever been. More honest than we have ever been. More aware of the Devil and his works than we have ever been. And most importantly, more committed to the Lord and His will than we have ever been. God’s redemptive plan is truly perfect and it’s absolutely, one hundred percent, REAL. The catch is, in my opinion, that you will not see His plan for redemption in your life until you are ready to see your sin.
There was a point in my pastors sermon this weekend when he referenced Judah and how he probably tried to somehow sneak out of the room when he started to hear about his brothers’ sin and turmoil. That was me for so long. I’d hear about so and so and how they fell to sin and I’d think “well hey, I’m not that person but I’ll pray for him or her.” I remember being in a meeting for our men’s ministry and we were handed a booklet on overcoming lust in which the premise was to go through it with other men. I thought when they handed it out to me, good thing I’m a leader and I don’t need this. The problem is, I was so blind at the time that I didn’t see it. We think that we don’t fit the category because it might not be an every day thing. For example: it’s just one drink, it’s just one joint, it’s just one look at her rear-end, it’s just one joke, I could honestly keep going but you would probably stop reading if you haven’t stopped already. Bottom line: we think that we aren’t as bad as _________ but the truth is though, we are WORSE THAN _________. Outside of Jesus Christ in me, I do not have a single good thing about me.
In my opinion, most guys don’t want to admit their struggles. Whether it’s porn or looking at other females, etc. etc. – most guys are comfortable keeping it locked away because they think it’s harmless; let me just be the one to tell you it’s not and the best thing you could ever do is confess it to someone you are close to and someone that you trust. One of our campus pastors said something during a sermon: “there may be private sin, but there are no personal sins.” What he meant is that you may not think your sin is affecting anyone, but it is affecting way more than you think. Your sin changes you. It affects you. I had no idea how badly my sin was affecting me or my family; the lack of presence in me when I was home, the lack of helping my wife with our new child, the selfishness I had as I complained of not getting all of her attention.
But the truth is, when I began to see it I wanted to reach out to someone for so long. I wanted to talk about it because I hated it. When I had an inappropriate thought or made an inappropriate joke I immediately wanted to tear my clothes because I knew that was not the man God has called me to be. I just had no idea how to confront the issue in my life. In our isolation, the devil tries to tell us and make us believe we are alone. You’re not.
When everything came to a head, I sought out counsel from my Pastor and some good guys in my life and saw that, as I said in my first post, this was not happening to condemn me, but to actually protect me. To protect my wife, my children, our marriage, our life. To remove that dormant asbestos in my life.
My ultimate wish is that every woman would be fully clothed and never have a curve exposed for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, because of the moral compass of our culture as well as clothing designers – women will be walking down the street buck naked before they walk down in baggy sweatpants and a t-shirt. Also, that doesn’t alleviate the problem – the problem is ME and my wicked heart APART from God.
Men, your eyes are meant for your wife and your wife alone. Your thoughts are meant for your wife and your wife alone. It is not a sin to notice someone, but, what you do with that thought could be. You want intimacy? Go home and talk to your wife – give it 5 to 10 minutes of honestly and truly LISTENING to her heart and her emotions and I promise you’ll have all the attention and affection you could need. She needs your heart and attention more than she needs the bills to be paid or food in the fridge. I’m not perfect at this; I come barreling in at times just wanting to talk about me. But, in the moments where I lay myself down for my wife I feel no greater joy.
Fellas, before you come looking for me with a bone to pick I want to remind you I’M ONE OF YOU! You may read this and say something along the lines of well it must be easy now that you have it all figured out. The truth is, if I had it figured out, I’d be writing a book for money instead of a blog post that I just hope blesses even one person. I was talking to someone about my struggle after the fact and he said something to the tune of “I wish you could see that you don’t have to be so hard on yourself; it’s normal that we do it”. Now, I don’t fault that friend at all for saying that because he ultimately just cares about me and wanted to help and I love him for that. But you know what – that’s dead wrong. We shouldn’t be accepting in the church what the world calls normal. If that’s the case, how will anyone tell us apart?
I want you to know one thing, that even the deepest part of your sin – God has not left your side. There is hope. There is peace. There is reconciliation to be had. It’s in the true repentance and going the opposite direction and understanding that you have already been adopted by Christ before you even sinned.
4 even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love 5 he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. 7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, 8 which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight 9 making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ 10 as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.
Ephesians 1:4-10 ESV
God calls each and every one of us men to be different. Whether you are married or single, old or young, there is a call of God on your life to be different than any other man you may have known. You will NEVER be perfect. You will NEVER get it right all the time. But when you see your sin, you’ll also see the Father waiting there arms open and waiting for you to collapse into His arms. Stop running from Him. When you confess your sins to another believer there will be a peace that flows and floods your heart. I can’t promise that it will be an easy road to reconciliation, but, I can promise that Jesus Christ is the sustainer and perfecter of all things and He is simply enough.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
YOU ARE NOT FILTHY.
YOU ARE NOT UNWORTHY.
YOU ARE LOVED.
YOU WERE THOUGHT OF BEFORE THE FOUNDATIONS OF THE WORLD.
YOU WERE BOUGHT WITH A PRICE.
If you’re struggling with this issue or any issue, don’t be afraid to reach out and walk this out with someone alongside of you. Email me or click here to be taken directly to the men’s ministry page and email someone in that ministry. Someone will be there to love on you and help you through whatever you might be dealing with.
God Bless You,
BMT
The Fire & The Flood 