There was a time when I was younger that I’d hear everyone mention how as you get older your body starts breaking down. It’s funny because of the fact that I’m starting to experience it now, yet I’m only 33. I’ve come to realize it’s probably because of the massive amount of pastries that I’ve consumed in the last year. The truth is that as my wife and I have recently welcomed our fourth child into the world, I’ve learned more than my share of lessons. One of the main ones that I’ve felt compelled to put out there, is to expose the pride monster that we can be every so often as men in this world and how we view our duties in comparison to our wives. If I offend you in the process, I’m sorry — just know that I need to hear this more than anyone.
There was a time in my life and our marriage that I had this view that when my wife was home with our children and I was going to work, I thought everything I was doing was so much harder because I was the one going to work. Fast forward a few years and we have had our fourth child in 5 years of marriage and I have had to do every bath, almost every diaper change, almost every moment of getting the kids dressed, all because my wife physically cannot lift more than our infant due to her recovery from the c-section. My back, my knees, and my feet are feeling like they have been absolutely decimated. The saddest part, is that is nothing compared to how my pride has been blown up.
It’s an ugly memory of mine but I remember a night that I came home from work several years ago that I complained about what the house looked like. Yes, as you reader sit there and say “ooof” or shudder in thinking of the scene, I’ll never forget the pain I caused my wife. It still haunts me no matter the amount of forgiveness she has given me because of the simple fact that I know now that I was completely misguided and deceived.
Fast forward a few years later and my wife sent me an article because we (mainly I) had just gone through a period of having a hard time adjusting to having multiple children and me not getting more attention. I’ll never forget reading the article thinking thoughts along the lines of “man, this person gets it.” The problem is that the more that I’ve spiritually matured over the years and the more that I see my home flourish and the more that I keep doing bath time, I think to myself:
I was a moron, this home flourishes because of my wife — not me.
The article she sent me kept talking about how as husbands, we get the “last of” our wife. It was written to the authors husband as a letter basically asking the husband to remember that the wife loved the husband first and when he was frustrated think of the better times.
The truth is that even as a I type this, I can’t help but cry. Men, we have to do better than this. As I stated earlier in this that I thought that I was the one going to work, I’m just saying I don’t care what job that you do, whether it be a surgeon, pharmacist, pastor, construction worker, fireman, police officer, salesman, etc — there is no job more demanding, no more important, that the job your wife does when she is home.
See, when we were getting married I was determined to be a husband who exemplified Ephesians 5 and every other passage of scripture that explains how a husband should love his wife as Christ loved us.The fact is that outside of properly understanding the gospel I believe that we have no shot at really doing that.
7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. – 1 Peter 3:7 ESV
Now, I don’t know about you but the fact of the matter is that whenever I’ve read that verse in the past I felt like I didn’t truly understand the weight that the words themselves carry. When it says to live in an understanding way, I sit here and shake my head because I feel like I just flat out can’t do it at times because I’m the doofus complaining about not being understood. Yet it doesn’t say for us to be the ones who are understood.
I have never been so thankful for the way that my wife takes care of our children, takes care of me, sacrifices showering to play with our kids, sacrifices for me to lead a bible study and meet with guys for hours on end every other Saturday morning, plays for countless hours with our kids all while rarely ever asking for a break.
What do I do? Normally complain about my stress. The stress I have, the stress I don’t even have but think that I have. I complain of the projects I want to do that really have no bearing on the day. I tell her of all the ways I want to study my bible and go in depth and have this glorious devotional time that would probably take up almost 2 hours of our day, while she’s probably dying to just open hers for thirty-seconds.
I know this can almost sound incriminating to me that I’m a horrible husband and father, but I would pridefully argue that that is not the case. I just have been humbled to see the ways that I’m actually not living out the way that the bible tells me to love my wife and lay my life down for her — no matter how much I think that I am. The fact is that we as men have this horrible syndrome that we can’t get out of most days of our life: Provider mode.
It sucks and I firmly believe that as men passionately pursuing Christ and the laying down our lives for our bride, we need to think differently of the provider mode we are called to. We tend to think about the mortgage, we think about the deck with boards rotting out, we think about the medical bills, we think about the home improvement projects that we “need” to do, we think about anything and everything so much having to do with things that really don’t matter in the here and now.
We fail to think about is the laundry folded — and more importantly can I help do some? Did the kids eat lunch, what are we having for dinner, do the kids need their nails clipped, when was the last time he or she went to the potty? These “trivial” things, those are the things that our wives are constantly going nuts thinking about. Those thoughts happen to be the things that actually matter in the here and now as well.
Now the truth is I’m not saying that paying the mortgage is not important, heck, money is what determines whether or not we eat as families or not. The problem that I’m simply attempting to address is our hearts.
We too often forget that our hearts need to be pouring out for our wife and children before the bills and house. We need to remember that when we are to die to ourselves for our bride, that means putting her needs and our children’s needs also completely before ours because that’s simply what Christ did.
When He went to the cross, He went in full submission to God the Father with one thing on His mind: accomplishing His will of reconciling God’s people to the Father. It wasn’t that He went with his personal security or feelings in mind. It was that He laid down His life to fulfill himself as a servant for those around him. We as husbands need to mimic that behavior in the way that we treat our spouse and children. That means constantly thinking of them before us.
So, instead of reading an article that says “dear husband, remind yourself of how much you used to have my attention” I want to write this “letter” to my wife that says dear wife, thank you for all the ways that you pour yourself out on our home while still trying to give me all of your attention. Thank you for the way that you give up your own routine so I might have a microcosm of one for myself. Thank you for the way that you still ask me about things that matter to me when I might not think to ask you about whether or not you were up 5 times in 6 hours of sleep with the baby. Thank you for loving me as best as you possibly can when I probably am not loving you the way Jesus showed me how.
Reader, if you’re still reading, I really pray that you can hear my heart. I’m not trying to say that we all suck. I’m just simply trying to illustrate that in our current culture we have a million things taking our attention and all our wife and children want is for us to put those things down for a bit and pay more attention to the things going on inside the house, not just the structure or things attached to it.
My wife is my absolute hero, I wrote this not just to incriminate my short-comings, but as a public thank you because of all the ways that she does things I simply cannot do day in and day out no matter how hard I try. She shows me how it needs to be done. She is truly the most gracious, loving, and patient wife and mother I could ever know. As the Bible says that he who finds a wife finds a good thing. I truly am reminded of the mere fact that I am the most blessed man on earth because if it wasn’t enough to just be called into God’s kingdom, this amazing woman and four beautiful children paint something better than Michaelangelo ever could have.
God bless you,
BMT
The Fire & The Flood 